Rachel: Hi.

Joey's Date: Sorry about that, but I couldn't get that lock to work on the door.

Rachel: Yeah, Joey kinda disabled it when I moved in.

Joey's Date: You must be Rachel, I'm Erin.

Rachel: Hi.

Erin: Hi. I don't mean this to sound like high school, but did he say anything about me?

Rachel: (pause) Would you like some pancakes?

Opening Credits

[Scene: N.Y.U's University Library, Ross is entering with Chandler.]

Chandler: …Come on! Why are we here?!

Ross: Okay, okay take a guess.

(An old woman pushes a cart full of books past.)

Chandler: The hot chicks?

Ross: Okay, okay, I was typing names into the library computer earlier, y'know-y'know for fun, and I typed mine in and guess what came up? My doctoral dissertation! It's here! Yeah, it's right-it's right down here! In the biggest library in the university! (They start heading that way, towards a secluded section behind the racks.)

Chandler: Wow that's actually pretty cool.

Ross: (stopping quickly) Oh umm, there's also a book here by a woman named Wendy Bagina. (They both laugh, but stop when the hear moaning coming from the next aisle.) What is that?

Chandler: Sounds like two people are really enjoying the Dewey decimal system.

(They go around the last row of bookshelves and find a couple doing what college coeds do in secluded corners of university libraries. For those of you who don't know what I'm talking about, let's just say that clothing is undone. Ross gasps and the couple gets up and runs away.)

Female Student: (as they are moving past Ross) I'm so sorry!

Male Student: Sorry!

Chandler: You didn't bring me here to do that, did you?

[Scene: Monica's Restaurant Kitchen, Monica is cooking as a waitress enters carrying a plate of food that has been sent back.]

Monica: She sent the chicken back again?!

The Waitress: She says it's to dry now and she wants to come back here and explain to you exactly how she wants it.

Monica: Well fine! I want to meet this chicken expert! Send the Colonel in!

(The waitress lets her in as Monica is about to throw a lobster into a pot of boiling water (Although, she hasn't taken off the rubber bands that hold the claws, so she can't be that good of a chef). Anyway, guess who the Colonel is by the following phrase.)

The Colonel: OH…MY…GAWD!!!! (Yep, it's Janice.)

Monica: (to the lobster) Lucky bastard! (Throws the lobster in and turns around to face the planet's most annoying woman, next to Dr. Laura and Kathy Lee Gifford of course. She's the most annoying female TV character however.) Janice.

Janice: How are you Ms. Hot Shot chef with the big fancy restaurant with the best chicken ever! (Does the laugh.)

Monica: I'm fine.

Janice: (notices Monica's engagement ring) Ohh! What is that on your finger?! I'm blind!

Monica: Oh… Uh…

Janice: So, who's the lucky guy?

[Cut to Monica and Chandler's just after Monica has finished telling Chandler what happened.]

Chandler: OH…MY…GAWD! I am so sorry sweetie, are you okay? You didn't tell her we were getting married, did you?

Monica: Well, she saw the ring.

Chandler: Did she freak out?

Monica: Well, she was shocked when I told her, but then again so were most people.

Chandler: Right.

Monica: Well, she actually has a boyfriend y'know herself, named Clark. Uh, she also kinda invited herself to our wedding. Clark too.

Chandler: (laughs) You said no right?

Monica: Huh?

Chandler: You said no right?!

Monica: Well, she corned me! She asked if the wedding was in town! I mean, what was I supposed to do?!

Chandler: Lie!!! How hard is that?! The check's in the mail! Oh your baby is so cute! I can't wait to read your book Ross!!

Monica: Come on! So she comes to the wedding! I mean it won't be so bad.

Chandler: What do you think she's just gonna sit there quietly? You don't think she's gonna want to make a toast? You don't think she's gonna want to grab the microphone and sing Part-time Lover?!

Monica: Oh my God, she's not gonna like the chicken that night either is she?!

Chandler: Y'know what? It's gonna be okay. Y'know what? She's probably not gonna even want to come.

Monica: Really?

Chandler: No! That was a lie! See how easy that was?

Monica: So-so you would've just lied?

Chandler: Yes!!

Monica: Would it really have been that easy?

Chandler: Yes!!!

Monica: Good, so do it Saturday night because we're going to dinner with her and Clark.

[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Joey is coming back from work to find Phoebe, Rachel, and someone else with her back turned is there.]

Joey: Hey! What's up?

Phoebe and Rachel: Hey!

Joey: Hey-hey, who's your friend? (Erin turns around to face Joey, startling him) Hey!!

Erin: Hey Joey!

Joey: Erin! Still here!

Rachel: Yeah, we ended up spending the day together and had such a great time!

Joey: Why wouldn't ya? Erin is great! Then-then there's you guys.

Erin: Ohh, listen. I've got to get going. Today was great, thanks!

Rachel: I know!

Phoebe: Okay!

Erin: Bye Joey. (Kisses him.) Last night was fun.

Joey: Yeah. I'll uh, I'll call ya.

Rachel: Oh and I'll call ya too!

Erin: Or I'll call you!

Phoebe: And call me!

Joey: (to Erin) Okay, good to see you again.

Erin: Bye.

Joey: Bye-bye.

Rachel: Bye!

(Joey closes the door behind her.)

Joey: So, system kinda broke down huh?!

Rachel: Oh Joey, I'm sorry I just couldn't tell her all those things you wanted me to tell her. And y'know we got to talking and I…

Phoebe: We want you to marry her!

Joey: What?!!

Phoebe: She is so amazing! You have no idea.

Joey: No idea? Who do you think brought her here?

Rachel: Cupid.

Phoebe: Joey, she's so cool. She speaks four languages.

Joey: Man, do you know what guys want!

Rachel: Look Joey, come on she's so perfect for you! I mean she's sweet, she-she likes baseball, and she-she had two beers at lunch.

Joey: My beers?! Look you guys, she's a very nice girl. Okay? We had a good time, but I just—I don't see it going anywhere.

Phoebe: Yeah, but you always say that.

Rachel: Yeah, maybe if you gave this girl a chance it would go somewhere.

Joey: Look I'm sorry you guys, I-I just don't think so.

Phoebe: Whatever.

Rachel: Fine. (They start to walk away.)

Joey: Hey, don't start judging me! (To Rachel) Huh? You're the one who's in love with her assistant! (To Phoebe) Huh? And you, you're the one having the affair with the guy who keeps the pigeons on the roof!

Rachel: Phoebe!

Phoebe: Secret affair!

[Scene: Central Perk, Rachel and Joey are there as Ross enters.]

Ross: People are doing it in front of my book!

Rachel: I'm sorry?

Ross: My doctoral dissertation is in the library at school, I went to see it, and there were students makin' babies right in the middle of the Paleontology section!

Rachel: Oh my God! Did you get to see anything good?

Ross: Let me ask you something, at your school was there a like uh a place on campus where students went to uh, fool around.

Rachel: Yeah, there was. It was—there the corner of the library where-where all these dusty books that nobody ever read—Yes, there was.

Ross: Great! Because people kept showing up, I think it's like uh-a thing!

Joey: Now hold on a second, fifth floor against that back wall?

Ross: Oh for cryin' out loud! (He storms out.)

Joey: All right, so we should go catch our movie.

Rachel: Well now what's the rush?

Joey: I like to see the previews. (Rachel looks at him.) The candy.

Phoebe: (entering with Erin) Oh. Hey!

Rachel: Well look who's here!

Erin: Hey!

Joey: Hey!

Erin: Joey.

Joey: Erin.

Erin: Hey Rachel.

Rachel: Hi! Well, we were just about to take off and see a movie. Oh no!

Erin: What's wrong?

Rachel: Oh Phoebe, we forgot that party we have to go to.

Phoebe: Oh no.

Joey: (skeptical) What party?

Phoebe and Rachel: A birthday party.

Joey: Who's birthday party?

Phoebe and Rachel: Allison's birthday party.

Joey: (still skeptical) Oh, and how is Allison?

Phoebe and Rachel: 32. (Joey's not buying it.)

Rachel: (does a retching sound) Wait a minute! Why don't you guys do something?!

Joey: (still skeptical) Yeah, look how that worked out.

Commercial Break

[Scene: The Library, Ross enters and heads to the desk to talk to the male librarian on duty.]

Ross: Excuse me. Hi, I'm a professor here. Do you know the Paleontology section, fifth floor, stack 437?

The Librarian: Well, yes! Just give me five minutes, I just have to find someone to cover my shift.

Ross: No! No!! No! Can I speak to someone in charge please?! (The librarian brings his boss over.)

The Head Librarian: How can I help you?

Ross: Hi, I was wondering if it is possible to increase security in the Paleontology section? See I-I wrote a book up there and instead of reading it people are-are-are well, rolling around in front of it.

The Head Librarian: We are aware of the problem you are referring too. (He turns to look at the previous librarian.) But as far as increasing security, I'm afraid the library is very understaffed. I, I can't help you.

Ross: Well, fine. Fine! If-if I'm the only person with any appreciation of the sanctity of the written word, I'll go up there and defend it myself! (Starts to do so, but stops and to the previous librarian) And don't you follow me!

[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Rachel and Phoebe are doing dishes as Joey enters.]

Joey: Hey.

Phoebe: Hey!

Rachel: How did it go with Erin?

Joey: Oh, unbelievable! We had the best time!

Phoebe: Yay!! Oh so, you're not, you're not mad at us anymore?

Joey: No! No! No! You guys were totally right! This is so much better than the first time we went out. Y'know? That was so awkward, we were really nervous.

Phoebe: Didn't you sleep together?

Joey: Yeah that really calms me down. And! We have so much in common! She loves sandwiches, sports, although she is a Met fan, not much of an issue now but if were ever to have kids, well that's a…

Rachel: (gasps) Oh my God! Listen to you talkin' about having kids. Oh my Joey. (She goes over and hugs him.) Oh, please don't get married before I do.

Joey: Okay.

[Scene: A Restaurant, Monica and Chandler are on their date with Janice and Clark, however Clark is a no show and Janice is crying the Mississippi River about it.]

Janice: Oh. Oh I just cannot believe Clark stood me up!

Monica: He might still show up.

Janice: Oh, what are you, stupid? It's been three hours.

Monica: Is that all?

Janice: I should just go on to happier things, okay? Umm, why don't you tell about your lovely wedding?

Chandler: Well actually uh, there was something we wanted to tell you about the wedding. Um, it's going to be a small ceremony. Uh, tiny! We're not even sure why we're having it.

Monica: It's actually going to be just family.

Janice: Oh…wait…you two think of me as family?! Oh, I have to ask you something now and be honest; do you want me to sing Careless Whisper or Lady In Red?

[Scene: Central Perk, Joey is entering and arguing baseball with Erin. Phoebe and Rachel are already there.]

Joey: How can you say that?! The Mets have no closer!

Erin: What about Benitez?

Joey: What about Game 1 of the Series?

Erin: What about shut up?

Joey: You shut up! (To Phoebe and Rachel) I love arguing with her. (To Erin) I'll be right back.

Erin: Okay. (Joey goes to get some coffee and Erin sits down.)

Rachel: So how's it goin' with Joey?

Erin: Uh, okay.

Rachel: Okay? Wait okay, tell-tell me that you like him, please? I mean tell me that you like him.

Erin: Look, he's a really great guy and I know that you really want this to work out, but I just don't see this having a future.

Rachel: But you said that you liked him! I mean what happened?! Did ya just change your mind?!

Erin: Kinda.

Phoebe: Then change it back!

Erin: I'm sorry I… It's just there's no real spark.

Phoebe: No spark? Didn't you sleep together?

Erin: Yeah.

Rachel: Ugh, tramp!

Phoebe: Does Joey have any idea?

Erin: I really don't think he does. And y'know what? Maybe you guys could help clue him in. Y'know, tell him I'm-I'm not interested in a serious relationship or something.

Phoebe: Yeah, you mean like that you're kind of a loner.

Erin: Yeah! That would be great!

Phoebe: Yeah, and maybe that you're a real (She says something in Italian, and it doesn't matter what she said. It's not important so I don't need everyone who speaks Italian telling me what she said.)

Erin: I'm sorry?

Phoebe: Oh well, I guess Italian isn't one of the four languages you speak.

Joey: (returning) Hey! You wanna go?

Erin: Yeah, let's go.

Joey: Okay. See you guys later.

Erin: Bye guys.

Rachel: Yeah, see ya.

Joey: (whispers to Phoebe and Rachel) Hey, thank you so much. (They both exit.)

Rachel: Wow. Well, I guess it was Cupid who brought her here.

Phoebe: No, just a regular old flying dwarf.

[Scene: The library's Paleontology section, Ross is patrolling as a couple walks up.]